Today--

wasn't too much fun. and I really don't know why. Today I felt just plain tired and maybe a little cranky. And overall uneasy. It's hard to explain. My classmates thought I was homesick but I think its a little deeper than that. The overall feeling of knowing you don't fit in, never know what's going on and are an outsider is not a good one. It separates you from what seems like the entire world. It's overwhelming.
I'm beginning to see why people say exchange students come back more mature. one reason I think is because when you come back (I can imagine) you're comfortable and confident. You know exactly what to do in each situation you come across. When you're in another place like Japan its constantly "how the heck do I eat this?" or "What am I supposed to say?" or "which side of the staircase do I walk on?"
You lose your identity as well. At home I'm the weird, funny, rather be outside, studying, non girly one. Here I have NO IDEA. It's a cross between I want to be "myself" and I don't know if people will like "myself" and I don't want to be alone for 6 months. It's a state of constant confusion and overall being unsure. Like right now, I'm unsure if I should be on the computer right now. Most of me knows its OK, but part of me thinks is it REALLY OK or is my host mom just being nice.
So that was today, all day, and in fact the last several weeks, and probably the next several months.
I guess I'll get used to it.